. . . the sweetest little libertine . . .

So, I'm getting a new bed, 10 more hours a week at work, setting up my christmas tree, and thoroughly enjoying my new vampire anthology. Life is pretty alright.




And, Um....I thhhhhiiiiiiinkkkkkkk I'm pregnant.


Not sure. Haven't pee'd on a stick yet. Had unprotected sex while ovulating (pull-out method, for all you gross perverted sickeningly fascinated parties), and then got a bit of spotting a week later, and some very light spotting the day before my period was due, and then....no period. HMMMMMMM. I'm now almost 3 days late, and while I do have a history of crazily fucked up periods, I'm not sure I've gone this long without one, and I have this nifty device on my ipod that tells me when I'm due, like, down to the hour, and it says I should see a doctor. SO.

I may be peeing on a stick sometime this evening.




To be continued......

Ah-igit Blah.

Looking off the rooftop ; coming home.

Life was never so beautiful as when it was illuminated by the icy glow of death.



Last night was something I won't care to repeat for a good long while.


I've been thinking some incredibly strange thoughts, lately.

The first and foremost, is that I want a child. Its always been a dream for me, a far-away chance, something to wish for, and once in a while, a near miss, but never an actualized fact. (miscarriages aside, because they were over before I knew they had begun) But lately, I find that the next thing I want for myself in life, is a baby. I don't know how difficult or simple this will be, with my feminine health issues (read: One mass of scar tissue that once was an ovary, and one cyst ridden lump that occasionally produces an egg for a remaining ovary) overlaid with the insulin deficiency (Begining stage diabetes) I may never be physically able to procreate. But who knows? Until I speak to a physician about the specifics of fertility, and actually start trying, I won't know.
And then there comes the issue of my partner. They have stated in the past that they do want children, but not until later in their life. How much later? They aren't sure. They are already almost 7 years older than I am, and certainly thinking within the next 5 years, or sometime close to.
I'm not sure if I have 5 years. A woman should bear her children before she is 27. A healthy woman. I am no such thing. I am a fragile woman, and my time-bomb seems to want to go off sooner than that. So the pressure is on me, that if I ever want to fulfill this life long dream, I should get started.

This is all very difficult for me to process, because over the summer I finally laid to rest my dreams of a baby, because of my health issues, specifically. Why get worked up about something that only has a 20% chance of ever happening? So these sudden, unbidden thoughts are very hard for me to cope with at the moment.


The other problem is, well, me.
I can't step away from myself for an objective look without coming back in distress. When did I decide to grow my hair? Why am I wearing glasses? Why do I dress like a competent, working-world woman? I have taken on the guise, for all intents and purposes, of a normal adult woman, well adjusted and suited to her life, enjoying normal, adult things, and acting, in almost every regard, as a simple, down to earth human being.
I even recycle.
The issue with this is that I am not, have never been, and never will be, one of those women. I cuss, I spit, I miss deadlines and busses. I have a ton of built up resentment for my father figures. I am not a normal, well adjusted woman.
I even manage to convince myself that I like it, some of the time.

I am not ok with being normal. I am not ok with blending in.

I am proud of the woman I am, though eccentric, strange and handstitched she may be.

It took me a very long time to become who I am, to love who I am, and to embrace every facet of myself. And then this idiotic bullshit of hiding behind a mask of plain jane? ? ?


Unacceptable.


Leighne is furious, I am simply sad.



I want to be myself. I want to love myself.

I want to be happy and broken, all at once. I am the way I am meant to be. I was shaped by my life and circumstance, and no one can take it away from me. I have accepted my issues and made them my own. They are intricate parts of my whole, and I would not be myself without them.


I want me back!!!

.:FIRE:.
[ ] You have a short temper.
[x] You often act on your emotions without thinking first.
[ ] You are very competitive.
[x] You like to play with fire.
[x] You are not a strong swimmer or you can't swim at all.
[x] You prefer warm weather over cold weather.
[ ] You often lose control over yourself.
[x] You can be quite reckless.
[x] You sometimes hurt people without realizing it.
[x] People have often called you insane.
Total: 7

.:WATER:.
[  ] You have a calm, laid-back personality.
[x] You like to go to the beach.
[x] You rarely get angry.
[ ] When you do get angry, you know how to control it.
[ ] You think before you act.
[ ] You are good at breaking up fights.
[ ] You are a good swimmer.
[x] You like the rain.
[x] You can stay calm in stressful situations.
[x] You are very generous.
Total: 5

.:EARTH:.
[ ] You are physically strong.
[x] You have a close connection with nature.
[x] You don't mind getting dirty.
[x] You form strong opinions on issues that concern you.
[ ] You could easily survive in the wild.
[x] You care about the environment.
[ ] You can easily focus on your work without getting distracted.
[ ] You rarely get depressed.
[ ] You aren't afraid of anything.
[ ] You prefer to have a strict set of rules.
Total: 4

.:AIR:.
[x] You have a free spirit.
[x] You hate rules.
[x] You prefer to be out in the open rather than in small, enclosed spaces.
[x] You hate to be restrained.
[  ] You are very independent and outgoing.
[x ] You are quite intelligent.
[ ] You tend to be impatient.
[x] You are easily distracted.
[x] You can sometimes be hyperactive and/or annoying.
[ ] You wish you could fly.
Total: 7

.: DARKNESS:.
[x] You spend most of your time alone.
[x] You prefer nighttime over daytime.
[x] You like creepy things.
[ ] You like to play tricks on people.
[ ] Black is your favorite color.
[x] You prefer the villains over the heroes in movies, TV shows, videogames, etc.
[ ] You don't talk much.
[x] You are an atheist.
[x] You don't mind watching scary movies.
[ ] You love to break the rules.
Total: 6

.:LIGHT:.
[x] You are very polite.
[ ] You are spiritual.
[x] When someone is in trouble, you never hesitate to help them.
[ ] You believe everything you see or hear.
[ ] You are afraid of the dark.
[x] You hate violence.
[ ] You hope for world peace.
[ ] You are generally a happy person.
[ ] Everyone loves to be around you.
[ ] You always follow the rules.
Total: 3


Overall :  Fire / Air





I feel as though, through my lack of organized religion, that I am missing out on something that makes others feel complete.  

I don't know if there is a god/God/Gods/Goddess or not. 

I've tasted a few religions, and none of them fit.

I work in the basement of a church.    (not in any way related to my job. We just happen to run the Day Program out of the basement of a church is all)

I swear, spit, scream, engage in premartial intercourse, wear pants, dress in any manner I please, make decisions, worship false idols ( ie; my itouch) eat meat on fridays, and probably a thousand other things that would send me pitching straight to hell if there were to be such a place.  

Oh, and I'm a Bastard. A real live, honest-to-goodness, conceived out of wedlock, BASTARD. 

Real shocker, that one. 

My barely legal mother raised me without paternal support, and  OH GOSH, NO! The only time I've been in a church for my own good was for my baptism. Apparently I'm Anglican.  

Well.  Soooo.... I dunno. 

I mean.... I think I would like for there to be something after The End, but I don't know what it is, and I'm certainly not crass enough to assume that my ideas are better than anyone elses, or any more correct.

But honestly, to look at some people, who are so moved, so *touched* by their faith and their religion, it makes me feel like a kid looking into a playground, where all the other kids are having a blast, and I'm not allowed in.

I just don't get it.



I live a good life because its what I feel right about.   Not because of law, or god, or parents. I do the things I do because my heart tells me they are the right things.



blaah


life. 

so, so hurt right now.

So it seems I can't escape her.



It feels as though its been ages, but I know it wasn't long.
I put her away.

Deep in a secret place. A well of nothingness, with no light or comfort. I had no need.   

I thought.



But damned if the BustedFace Princess didn't claw her way to the surface, creeping like black silk through my conscious.

It started in dreams. There was a soft, dark quality, always something awful, always blood. Always a way for me to enjoy the dark.

Then there was an occasional thought. A fully formed, completed idea. Something that wasn't mine. Simply popping in, alien.

Somehow, she managed to knit herself back into my soul, to become an inseperable twin, a scar, a gash on my existence.



She isn't unknown to me.   Leighne, the BustedFace Princess is a part of me that I have always carried. Hers are the thoughts of death, of pain, of fire.

She is me.

She is not me.


We are twins, light and dark. One required by the other to survive.  For every tremulous smile I have offered, every hopeful romance begun,  she has  given her liquid smirk, her cunning eyes, and her burning sexuality.

Even in appearance she is my mirror. But moreover, my opposite. She is not a figment. You can see her in photographs.   We are both, of course, in our skin. Pale and small. A crooked nose and blue eyes.    But she holds her body tense, always. Ready to run.  Or fight. 
I am alternately the sad one, and the happy one.  My hair is the natural, bouncy strawberry blond that my mother loves.   Leighne challenges you with her eyes, lifts her chin in defiance, smirks as she outwits you. And her mane is in the darker shades. Black, brown, once in a while a vivid red.
Leighne is defiant. A brave, passionate thing. Assured of herself and her worth, Leighne loves herself and her twin, and is willing to do anything for the better of the both.   It is only Leighne who sees how truly delicate I have been. Demure, bookish, shy of everything, I have needed Leighne when others take advantage. I can barely stand to feel sadness without a sickening in my heart. Leighne can and will challenge and stand against anything. Because she can.  

She is a destroyer. A morbid dark thing of pain.


We truly need each other. It is Leighne that gave us freedom from Emma, when we were 11.   Leighne who pulled us together and kept a level head we were stabbed.   Leighne for all the little things. All the breakups, all the brave moments.   
Always Leighne for strength. Leighne for survival.  

Leighne who has always, always loved me above anything else.     Good, caring Leighne.

We have seperate friends, as well.  Many times, when I was alright to be alone and Leighne went where Leighne goes, I would have gentle, sweet friends. Some would be interesting, some dark, some rather frightful until you got to know them, but still, always gentle at heart. 
When I needed Leighne, and she walked the skin,  the friends were as her. Dark. Morbid. Full of surprise and pain and drama. But love.   It terrified me, as Marly, to be near them, but that mingled with the love that Leighne carried for them, and left it a strange feeling.




I put Leighne back, when I was 20, possible a little earlier. Its the way things always go. Leighne knows when I am safe, and when I can be free and not hurt.        Leighne went where Leighne goes, and left me to navigate the world until the next time I would need her.


Now, I realize she' s already back. And this time she didn't tell me. 

Leighne is here, every second, walking, talking, loving, breathing, with me. Every moment, we share. Every feeling is twinned  between us.   For now, the reactions, mercifully, still belong to me.

I am not frightened. This is not a hostile take over.   

Leighne is everything to me, and she has always worked to save me, not to bring me pain. Leighne is my survival.

She came because of feelings that always creep up on me. Because of awful, dark thoughts of balconies at midnight, and memories of skipping ropes. 


Leighne has only ever come unannounced once before.

Years ago, I was in an awful place. Alone. My headspace was filled with pain and noise, and I commited the stupidest action of my life.  
And no one told me until I got out of the hospital that it had been me screaming for my mother and banging on the door until she came and called 911.  

I have no memory of it.
It certainly was not me.        

But I know who it was.





 



So she is back.         She has certainly felt the echo of the dark thoughts that flower in my mind. I know she can feel the pull I feel.  As though, perhaps, our time should end.

But of course, my dedicated sister, the survivor, she knows how to hold the fort down and weather the storm.





On days like today, when the world is upside down, I know I will always have Leighne.

So yesterday.....a client broke my nose.   


Not sexy.

ITS MY BRITHDAY
NA NA NA NA NA NA NAAAAA!
(to the tune of 'cry if i want to')




yaaayy!!!!


Alright, maybe some of y'all think 22 is too old to get all crazy and silly excited on your birthday, but

FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!




Its my birthday and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!   i LOVE birthdays.  



And i got a sweater from my mom, and a shirt from my sister (from montreal, o la la) and a claa....a colaa....Kuhlaaa.....    A FANCY CELTIC LOVE RING.    


Yup. 


and its so puuurty.  





 I MUST GO!  there are cats that demand my snuggleness, and food that demands my eating.

And then!!  THEN!

OH SUCH  CRAZINESS!  

wait. no.    I have no plans for today. 

but I was told that something special will happen at some point today.




 :D    



Have one for me, whatever 'one' is to you.

I feel an incredible urge to write, but when I put pen to paper, I find mysefl frightened.
I've been away too long, and the door is harder to open every time. Rust and time are rotting away the ability to step away, to begin a world in my mind and run from reality for a time.

What if, one day, I find myself stuck here? 





My mother wants me to be tested for Asperger's.  I find it highly ridiculous, intriuging, and terrifying. 




I took a long, contemplative look at my life today, from a distant and objective point of view, and I find that I do have a life well suited to my personality. A life I can enjoy.

It felt strange to have to step away from it to appreciate it, though.








Oh for fuck's sake. Irony.    
Asperger's is a mild, high functioning form of Autism. On the high end of the spectrum. And what ad do I see in the right hand box? AutismSpeaks. And the 48 hour respite shift I am currently working? The client's need?  He's Autistic.  

Yes, I realize, being a developmental services worker, I routinely come into contact with autistic clients. It would be completely ridiculous if I didn't. But still.

Its offputting.

Owwwwwie owwwie Ow.

I haves a bo-bo.

having one ovary makes me feel bad
Master Cleanse program makes me feel good
moving in and out and in my apartment makes me feel bad
cigarettes makes me feel good (but are bad)
having a 15% chance of ever having children makes me feel bad
having a gorgeous spotless clean apartment makes me feel good
attitudes and shitty negative atmospheres at work make me feel bad
knowing i am a bigger person than all that crap makes me feel good
going back to meds makes me feel bad
taking charge of my life makes me feel good
being told i am not sexy makes me feel bad
Chester and Max make me feel good.






So, it occurs to me that I am odd for having decided that Chester ( the deaf 24lb tom-cat with an attitude problem) is actually a bear, and that Max (the 16lb cuddleslut with a broken tail and masochistic streak) is a kangaroo.   They have now evolved into ChesterBear (pronounced Chess - Toe - Bay - O ) and MaxieRoo ( Max - ee -  roo )   Yep.  Oh, and did I tell you that they have middle names? Oh Yes. 

Chester Simba Molester Hamilton   (yes, damnitt, they have my last name. Go fuck yourself, they're my babies!) 
Maxwell Black-like-the-coffee Muncher Hamilton


Yeah.
I've got whats called 'the problems'

I love my boys. They match each other so well, but are so drastically different.




*sigh*  

One day, I'm going to be a lonesome crazy cat lady, because no man is patient enough to put up with my sarcastic shrew-y behavior AND my inability to bear the fruit of their loins. 









it may sound that I am dealing well with this 'no kids' thing, but I'm not. I'm really, really not.   


I want babies.

Please note :   2 vials of blood, 1 IV port, 3 ultrasounds, an internal/external exam, a sugar fast and an endurance test will waste approximately 9 hours of your life. The waiting rooms will drain another 6 out of you.

All in all,  I lost 15 hours of my life, and I can never have it back.







OH, and finding out I'm allergic to medical tape was the icing on that cake!!



But I can never have icing again. Yay.



I'm going to go make pies I can't eat.

Currently, I am about 4 thousand different kinds of unhappy.

Mostly, I don't know why.

I sort of do know, for some of it, some of the tangible 'this is a problem becauuusseee' parts, but for a good chunk, I just want to cry, for no reason, and I hurt. My heart is so heavy.

Sometimes I am incredible, and getting things done and feeling wonderful....and then other times, most times, I just want to sob and sob until the world finally goes away.

And I can't make it stop.


I'm in so many knots I can't get anything straight. I miss busses, forget books, misplace everything. I forget parties I fully intend to go to. I fall asleep when I've had 16 hours of sleep. Everyhing is just incredibly awful, and I can't make it stop.









I started again.





Just a safety pin. Nothing drastic. Nothing awful. Nothing to wrap in bandages and rush to the padded room with.

It felt....safe....somehow. Like slipping on an old, warm jacket. Comforting. 
This is something I know. Something I can hold and touch and taste. Something real. This is coming home.


I feel so horrid, for doing it. I haven't cut in over 2 years. And then.......the other day, I wasn't even thinking, I just drew the pin over my arm, and it was done. I didn't think about it beforehand. I didn't think about it afterwards.  It was just there. A comforting patch to rub and remember, and feel.  I didn't really even have an antecedent.   There was no REASON. I hadn't had a huge fight. I hadn't lost my job, nothing drastic to make me upset enough to cut.

But there they are.


Easily blamed on cats.







I spent four years in regular therapy. I spent 3 years on medication. I've spent my life chronically depressed. I know the signs. I'm watching the syptoms roll over me in waves, a tide of red, pulling me under and down towards comforting numbness....

I KNOW its coming.





So why can't I move? Why can't I make it stop?



I want it to stop.......





..

......






.




don't i?

Sooooo, I got bitten today. By a fellow human. 

And then, in the afternoon, I administered first aid to a participant who cut herself with glass,but couldn't stop the bleeding, and was still engaged in a tantrum.

Yep.

There was blood AAAALLLLLLLL over me.






I love my job.



What did you do today?

♥A is for age: 21
♥B is for beer of choice: Molson Ex
♥C is for career right now: Developmental Services Worker - Facilitator.
♥D is for your dog's name: Darby
♥E is for essential item you use everyday: house keys
♥F is for favorite TV show: House
♥G is for favorite game to watch: none
♥H is for Home town: Ottawa
♥I is for instruments you play: violin
♥J is for favorite juice: Fruit Punch
♥K is for whose butt you'd like to be kicking:no one's. They'll face their own demons eventually.
♥L is for last place you ate at: the living room (coffee) table. lol
♥M is for marriage: maybe one day. i'm busy enough with school and life and kitten, though!
♥N is for your name: Marlena Heather Grosser Hamilton. or just Marly
♥O is for overnight hospital stay: when i was born, and when i was 11.
♥P is for people you were with today: coworkers, boyfriend, family
♥Q is for what's your best quality: Compassion
♥R is for what are you currently reading: The Forgotten Garden
♥S is for relationship status: taken
♥T is for time you woke up today: 6:50am
♥U is for the type of underwear you have on: none
♥V is for vegetable you love: Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, all of them!! lol
♥W is for worst habits: apologizing, too often, for things that are not my fault.
♥X is for x-rays you've had recently: none
♥Y is for something yummy: lemon cranberry muffins.
♥Z is for zodiac sign: virgo

I'm a bitchy kitten today.
No fun.  




Also, I haven't eaten since Thursday.

swirly brain thoughts.


maybe post later. when time allows.

And in her heart of hearts, the silence was profound.

and the word of the day is HEMOGLOBIN.

Although I couldn't tell you why. Sometimes my brain does silly things.





Today really felt like a good day. Despite screaming and kicking and spitting and possibly biting. Also, walkie-theft. Hah.

Just another day.




Hot damn, my job kicks ass.